Shyness Isn't Sweet – It's Distressing and Awkward! (Part 2)

Possible Cause

Although as a very small child I wasn’t shy, in fact, I think I was actually quite bold, I developed a serious, life-threatening illness very early on – a brain tumour – which had a serious effect on my physical abilities. As a result of this I was unable to interact with other children in a normal way for all of my early developmental years, spending them instead, sitting, or lying in bed, close by my Mother’s side.

This unfortunate start, I believe was the root cause of my subsequent shyness. By the time I started school, I had been so totally shielded from any normal contact with other children, that the whole experience was too overwhelming for me. I remember feeling very scared and intimidated by having such close contact with so many strangers.

Becoming Withdrawn

I was also rather unsteady on my feet; my brain tumour had caused blindness and severe paralysis down my left side, which I had only recently overcome. I would get dizzy sometimes and fall over; my left hand also shook uncontrollably. That compounded with the experience of being away from my Mother for the first time made me feel extremely insecure.

Since for all intents and purposes, I was a special needs child at that time, two older girls were appointed to look after me. However, one of them was a bit of a bully and thought it was funny to push me around from time to time… Although I did tell my Mother about it, and thereafter the class teacher took care of me herself, the experience didn’t do much to build up my sense of security away from the safety of home!

Little by little thereafter I found myself becoming more and more withdrawn. And when we moved house and I was placed into a new school, I remember feeling completely isolated and unsure of myself. My class teacher even mentioned to my parents that she was concerned about me being too shy and withdrawn.

Getting Worse

As I grew older for a whole number of reasons, I remember becoming less and less confident in myself, and with that I became even more shy. I started trying to avoid all contact with people I didn’t know. If we had guests whom I wasn’t familiar with, I would do everything I possibly could to avoid having to meet them – whether that was hiding in the kitchen larder cupboard, in the garage, or anywhere else…

I remember on one occasion, someone came to the house unexpectedly and I bolted into the kitchen; for one reason or another that I cannot remember now, I couldn’t get into the larder cupboard, so I ran out into the garden and sat on our swing for over two and a half hours until my Mother came looking for me.

Normally that wouldn’t have been a big deal sitting on the swing for that long, I often spent hours playing outside on the swing which I absolutely loved. However, on this occasion, it was coming on to 10 o’clock at night, the middle of winter and there was a blizzard going on!

Life Changing Circumstances

The next few years where a terrible turmoil as my Mother was very ill, though my sister and I didn’t know it at the time, she was dying – she had cancer. It was a very traumatic time for all of us, and I remember I had started self-harming – cutting myself with a blade, but it was after her death that things got really bad for me.

By the time I became a teenager I had become debilitatingly shy. To the point where I even developed what is termed as “bladder shyness” – where the sufferer is unable to visit the toilet if there is someone else in the house. Only what I suffered from would be better described as “bathroom shyness” as not only was I unable to ‘wee’ when someone besides my immediate family, was in the house, I definitely couldn’t go for a ‘poo’, nor even have a shower!

Our eldest cousin lived with us during those years, and I would do ridiculous things like waiting ’till the middle of the night just to visit the toilet! There was so much going on in my head at that time, that I soon wasn’t able to cope. My life-long sleep problems had already become really bad. I also developed anorexia, and much to my Dad’s despair, stopped going to school!

***Deep–Rooted Issues***

The years that followed created a great deal of upheaval for my sister and me… We were sent abroad to live with our Auntie, and though she was a very loving person, the lack of stability that all this created in our lives, affected us on a very deep, emotional and psychological level…

By the time I returned home to England to live with our Dad, I was cripplingly shy and insecure. I started college for my ‘A’ level studies and found it extremely stressful being amidst my peers, especially the male students. Given that I was studying science subjects, there were times when I was the only girl in the entire building, let alone class! The whole experience was extremely difficult for me.

With all the issues that happening in my life, including the death of a young man whom I absolutely adored, I totally fell apart. It was about this time that I suffered a complete breakdown, and following that, I started suffering from severe depression that affected every aspect of my mental and emotional being.

It destroyed whatever confidence I had in myself. And subsequently, the combined effect of depression, being shy and having no confidence either, totally destroyed my ability to cope with the outside world in every way, professionally, socially and personally…

Lasting Regrets

Eventually, some years later, believing I had pulled myself together enough to think about moving forward with my life, I finally got to college to do a degree. Sadly as I discovered shortly thereafter, it was all too soon, and too much for me to handle. My shyness and lack of confidence made it impossible for me to break out of my shell, to make friends and be able to fit in.

University is like a whole new universe, and it can be a terribly daunting place to feel isolated in! To make things worse for me, I fell madly in love with a young man who, sadly as it happened, was also rather shy himself. And though he tried to get my attention over and over in subtle, I was too withdrawn to be able to respond in any normal way.

I would pretend I didn’t see him, and end up ignoring him… Or I’d end up doing the most stupid things, like rapidly turning my head and looking the other way. Even after he came and sat down right opposite me one day in the refectory, I still never really managed to overcome my shyness…

Sometimes I would manage to pluck up enough courage to acknowledge him and speak to him, but then sometimes I couldn’t, and I’d end up pretending I hadn’t seen him… Eventually he lost interest, and soon thereafter he left college.

On the personal level, my shyness didn’t end there with this young man… I have never managed to find a life partner as a result of it. Not that anything was ever quite as unfortunate or pathetic as that time in my life, but my shyness always managed to ‘put a spanner in the works’ and destroy my relationships over the years… Each time the ‘objects of my heart’s desire’ would eventually get fed up with me, and walk away into the proverbial sunset!

Missed Opportunities

I was musician, starting out with the piano, and then moving over to guitar. (Why I switched over is a long and distressing story that I’ll leave for another day. But suffice it to say, it broke my heart.) Not being able to express myself technically on the guitar as I could with the piano, I started writing songs, I soon became a passionate singer-songwriter and desperately longed to make my music heard.

Up to the time when my Mother was alive, I remember giving frequent recitals and performances on the piano for local gatherings and community events. I still had the confidence at the time to go ahead and do it. Even though my Mother was not well enough to attend, she and our Dad arranged most of the recitals, and my Dad always came to gave me his support.

But after she died, and our world fell apart, organising events was hardly on my Dad’s mind, and little by little I lost the confidence to ask for the support I desperately needed. I didn’t have the confidence to push for the opportunities that would allow me to put myself out there. And by the time I got to college for my degree, my shyness had become so all-consuming that I couldn’t take advantage of any opportunities that did come my way.

Wasted Hopes and Dreams

I remember meeting a DJ who worked at a popular radio station once, and though I had a good conversation with him at the time, by the end of it he expressed an interest in pursuing the relationship further.

Of course, I freaked out, even though he was a nice man, not pushy at all, and made it very clear that he wasn’t pressuring me in any way, I never found the courage to contact him, even though he had offered his help to promote my music.

Following that incident, I remember on a number of occasions accompanying my musician friends to their gigs where I met venue managers who offered me the opportunity to come and audition… As much as I longed to be able to have my songs heard by others – I never managed to overcome the shyness.

I remember begging my friends to help me, to come with me, but it just so happened at that time no one in my circle of close friends whom I trusted enough could make it to these places at the times that I’d been asked to go and perform. And then the opportunities would pass by.

Since then, I tried many times to pluck up the courage to go to my local bars and pubs, where I know live music is welcomed and open invitations to musicians and singers to come and play, are displayed on big posters – but I never did… Still, I always assured myself that one day I would do it, when I had overcome the inhibitions… Sometimes it was hard to keep believing though, and sometimes, I wondered if that day would ever come, but I tried not to let it get me down.

Moving On…

Over the years, the degree of shyness I have felt has indeed fluctuated, but overall, I think it has always remained there in the background, an underlying aspect of my being that periodically emerges and creates anxiety, regret, fear and never-ending sorrow in my life…

My goal now regarding my unfulfilled hopes and dreams for getting my music heard, is to muster up enough confidence and courage in myself to put my songs ‘out there’ on YouTube, rather than trying to push myself to face a live audience in a pub…

The irony of course, is for as much as I want, desire, long and yearn to let my songs ‘go free’, so far I have not managed to to allow myself to be in the necessary position to make that happen for them… And as every shy person will know – that is the agony, not just the irony, of being shy…

If you suffer from shyness – please don’t keep it to yourself, don’t be ashamed of it, and above all, please don’t feel you’re alone. Despite the seemingly impenetrable barrier it creates, being shy doesn’t have to be isolating anymore. It is now recognised as a potential problem for sufferers and there is help available.

If your shyness is causing you distress or unhappiness – please talk to a medical professional or therapist. There are many types of therapies available now, from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to group therapies and counselling. No one in this day in age, needs to try and endure the pain, and oftentimes, long-lasting regrets and sorrow that can result from being shy.

If you feel you would like to contact me about how your shyness makes you feel, or has affected your life – please feel free to drop me line through the Contact page on this website…

In the meantime, I wish you all the very best. ‘Till next time, take care of yourself.