Shyness Isn't Sweet - It's Distressing and Awkward! (Part 1)

What is Shyness?

Psychologists consider shyness to be similar to social anxiety, however, while shy people may well experience anxiety, and in fact very often do, it is not actually classed as a type of ‘anxiety disorder‘.

Shyness is considered an emotional state of being, as well as a personality trait. And it is believed that environmental factors may contribute to someone developing shyness, equally as much as a genetic disposition towards it.

Neurological studies, during cognitive activities involving identical twins in order to eliminate genetic factors, indicated there may be detectible differences in the brains of shy people, compared with those who are not shy!

A certain degree of shyness, especially in children, can be completely normal, and most grow out of it by the time they reach adulthood. However, there are some who aren’t able to overcome it, and can experience considerable ongoing distress as a result of it, sometimes throughout their entire lives.

The Negative Effects of Shyness

The negative effects of shyness can be profound – withdrawal from social circumstances, avoidance of communication, reluctance to participate in social activities like sport, not to mention regret for missed opportunities, all of which can result in lasting issues.

These can include stress, anxiety, and fear in social environments like school or college, inhibitions, indecisiveness, excessive self-consciousness, self-criticism, worry, self-doubt, lack of confidence, depression, and cogitation, along with self-deprecation and disquiet.

In turn, these can create feelings of isolation and loneliness and undermine the sufferer’s confidence, which can result in poorly developed social skills, which greatly affects an individual’s ability to interact comfortably with people, and lead to further avoidance of social interaction.

Such issues can later have a serious impact on an individual’s ability to do well in life, e.g. in job interviews, or performance at work due to lack of teamworking skills, as well as a host of other issues, including forming friendships and possibly even finding life-partners.

The Possible Causes of Shyness

Psychologists believe that there are a number of key situations that can lead to a the development of shyness. These include some form of deep trauma in early life, or an illness which prevents a child from being able to interact normally with other children, or perhaps a lone child who is naturally reticent and finds it difficult to interact with other children, and isn’t encouraged to do so.

Other factors can be overprotective or overbearing parents, or overly critical parents who possibly prevent a child from normal contact with other children, parental abuse or neglect that undermines a child’s confidence early on and makes the child become withdrawn, or a child who gets bullied and withdraws from other children out of fear or despair.

Personality and disposition can also play a big role in someone becoming shy. Unless a shy child who shows reluctance to interact with other children or adults is pushed, and / or encouraged to open up to others, that tendency to avoid such contact can persist and turn into a troublesome shyness trait.

How to Cope With Shyness

People who suffer from shyness need encouragement and support in order to deal with the way they feel under given circumstances. It does take time and patience, and practice do ‘retrain’ the way we feel and perceive the world around us and interact with it. But thankfully, there are steps that can be taken that help…

The following measures are recommended by psychologists, and do help in overcoming some of the unpleasant feelings that may result from shyness:

Telling yourself that being shy is not uncommon, lots of people are shy, and you don’t need to feel bad about it, or alone.
Reminding yourself that what you’re experiencing are just the symptoms of shyness.
Reminding yourself of all your skills, talents and strengths, and focusing on them instead of how insecure you might be feeling.
Telling yourself that you are not ‘freaky’ or ‘weird’, and just as likable as anyone else in the room.
Telling yourself that you don’t have to be controlled by your shyness, but that you can control it!
Setting yourself small manageable goals that push your comfort zones, such as starting up a conversation with people you’re not too uncomfortable talking with; i.e. people you may have spoken with before, people you know are happy to chat with you, like neighbours, colleagues, or peers.
Putting yourself into social settings with a trusted friend, so you don’t experience overwhelm, but where you can practice interacting with people you don’t know.
Trying not to succumb to your shyness, but if you do then not putting yourself down about it, and not dwelling on it, but just letting it go.
Not listening to negative and deprecating self-criticism; or cogitating over what you should have done, or could have done, or did ‘wrong’, or how you ’embarrassed yourself’, and so on.
Acknowledging your wins; i.e. whenever you feel you’ve managed to overcome your shyness – telling yourself you’ve done really well.
If possible joining a small, local, self-help group (small because large gatherings can be overwhelming, and local because it provides fewer reasons for talking yourself out of attending!)
Talking to a therapist or counsellor if your shyness is causing you a lot of distress or anxiety.

Living with Shyness

As many people who suffer from shyness would agree, being shy can cause more missed opportunities, regrets, embarrassment and sense of unease in the sufferer’s life than most personal, non-medical, or serious issues. And yet, up until quite recently, was rarely if ever taken seriously compared with other conditions like depression or anxiety.

Certainly in my life, being shy has resulted in lifelong despair, anxiety, sorrow, loneliness, isolation, regrets and unresolved sadness. Looking back, I know that had I not been shy there were numerous instances in my life where I would have done very things differently…

That relates to interactions with people, missed opportunities, instances that I still deeply regret, and just downright missed life experiences. Being shy stopped me from going to parties, events, festivals, outings, holidays, it stopped me from taking part in sports and activities, and a myriad of instances that would no doubt have enriched my life in ways that I perhaps can’t even imagine…

Continued in Part 2…