Depression – An Endless Cycle of Ups and Downs… (Part 1)

Dark Clouds Come in Many Shades

Depression can be a terrible thing to suffer from. It is an illness; a type of mental health disorder that can affect people at any stage of their lives. Several factors can lead to a person developing a mental health disorder, these include an imbalance in the numerous chemicals produced in the brain, genetics, illnesses, life experiences, substance abuse and traumas to name a few.

There are many kinds of mental health disorders and a surprisingly large number of people suffer from one or the other at some point in their lives. In fact, it is estimated around 1 in 6 people have experienced some form of mental health problem; which is over 10% of the global population. Besides depression, issues like anxiety, sleep disorders, addictions, attention deficit disorder, phobias and even shyness, are all types of mental health issues.

Living with a mental health issue can be very challenging, both for sufferers and their families, and loved ones. Nevertheless, over the past few decades as world views have changed about such problems, support for those needing it has become more widely available. While advancements in pharmaceutical drugs, to help manage certain conditions, have also made it somewhat easier for sufferers.

Life’s Turbulent Storms

I started suffering from depression as a child. Perhaps it was the result of a severe early childhood illness (a brain tumour), or instability, our Dad’s career had taken him away, and we lived in very trying circumstances for many years. In any case, certainly my Mother’s death was a traumatic enough event to devastate my life. She developed cancer when I was about 5 years of age, and lost her battle against it by the time I reached double figures.

Her illness was a very difficult time for all of us as a family, and in our own ways each of us suffered terribly in the long run. I realise now that both my sister and I displayed classic text-book symptoms of childhood depression… But there was just too much going on for anyone to notice it.

Our Dad had far too much on his plate with work, he was a single handed GP, and having to cope with our Mother’s illness – knowing that there was nothing he could do to save her – didn’t notice subtle changes in our mood and behaviour. It was a terrible time, and following our Mother’s death, we all just bumbled along the best we could.

Too Much to Cope With

By the time I reached my teens though, our Dad had definitely, without a doubt, noticed that there was something going terribly wrong with my life – I had walked out of school, developed a serious eating disorder, had terrible sleep issues, suffered from fear and paranoia, and obsessiveness.

My Dad arranged for me to get weekly counselling with a trained psychoanalyst at our local hospital. However, I didn’t get on with her, and being a stubborn teenager, didn’t see any reason why I should continue, and stopped going. I wish that perhaps my Dad had been able to arrange for me to see someone else – but the hospital refused…

All the while, my obsessive nature seemed to get worse – even with mundane things like cleaning the house. Soon I became obsessive about everything, exercise, diet, study – everything had to be done to perfection, I didn’t seem to be able to deal with anything less. By the time I reached my ‘A’ levels I was working myself to exhaustion on a daily basis.

Heading for a Big Crash

Everyone warned me that I was doing too much, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I had to get through certain things to a certain standard every day – and if they took too long I had to work harder. What else could I do? There just weren’t enough hours in the day… Compromise was just not something that even crossed my mixed up mind…

I started falling asleep during lectures, so I took slimming pills to stay awake. I had to get every single piece of homework done on time and fit in my activities too, art and music amongst others, all of which were time consuming. Soon I was taking handfuls of pills at a time… As far as I could see, certain things had to get done by a certain time and that was the way it was.

I went on like this for about a year, driving myself ever more obsessively. When my Dad found out about the slimming pills he was absolutely livid – it was perhaps one of the few times I ever saw him get really angry… He hollered at me like I seldom had ever heard him; he told me how dangerous it was to take high doses of such medicines… “What if something had happened to you?” He admonished. I did not take them after that – but sadly for me, it was already too late…

What on Earth Happened?

Over the few months that followed, I fell apart – I could feel it happening, but once again, I didn’t know what to do about it. I was exhausted, and just wanted to ‘crash’, I could feel it, and hung on, desperately waiting for the academic term to end, and then I would ‘crash’… What I didn’t know at the time, was that the ‘crash’ would be more than just metaphorical – and it would be permanent… Very shortly thereafter, I had a complete nervous breakdown.

It took me a long time to realise what had happened to me, and years to get over the terrible effects of the breakdown… I no longer seemed to know who I was as a person; I had become a complete stranger to myself. I had to drop out of my ‘A’ levels, I just couldn’t cope. I needed to get away. I wanted to run away, so I went to stay with my Auntie for a while. I had to try and figure things out, most of all – I had to try and figure myself out. It was perhaps the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my life – trying to learn to how to cope with being me…

The Key to Recovery

I returned from my Auntie’s place after a few months. The rest should have done be good – except that I felt as tormented as ever; like some sort of a haunted soul – wandering about in some perpetual ‘limbo’ state… I just couldn’t get over what had happened to me… Until one day during a conversation with my Dad, I poured out my woes to him, in yet another tortured description of my plight. He listened quietly, and then said something to me that I have remembered since…

I will always remember his words: “Know who you are now; know your strengths; know what you are capable of today – and forget the past.” Those words somehow triggered something in my head that set the wheels of recovery in motion… And now it seemed I could finally start moving forward.

I had found the key I had been looking for – acceptance. With acceptance, I could finally try and move on with my life. It wasn’t easy… One step forward, and one step back. And thus it went on, I’d prop myself up, set my targets and then feel like a disaster when I failed at them… And then the same thing, all over again… An ongoing cycle of ups and downs…

(Continued in Part 2…)

Some Useful Links

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-disorders

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/clinical-depression/symptoms/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/persistent-depressive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20350929

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/children-depressed-signs/

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/supporting-someone-mental-health-problem