Depression – An Endless Cycle of Ups and Downs… (Part 2)

Too Easy to Knock Down

Having had a terrible mental breakdown relatively early on in my life; my emotional state constantly seemed to be subject to a perpetual cycle of crests and troughs… I never quite seemed to know fully when I might wind up on the descending part of the cycle, even while still on the crest phase, and sometimes the slightest occurrence would knock me down plummeting into the depths of dire melancholy.

And then it always seemed to take me ages to return to the ascending part of the cycle again. Often, it was the most trivial of things, like a comment from someone, or a picture, a video, or even something abstract like a piece of music, or sometimes just a sound. It took me forever to build myself up, or get a routine going, or reach some kind of emotional balance, and then something trivial would happen, and in an instant everything would come tumbling down. At the back of my mind, I always had a terrible fear that I’ll end up ‘crashing’ into a state of dark depression.

I was permanently in a state of anxiety; unwittingly just waiting for that impending crash. Even when I felt happy – for instance while sitting in the sunshine, on a balmy, summer day – I would find myself unable to enjoy it fully, constantly afraid that for one reason or another, that pleasurable situation might end soon.

Wishing for Escape

I felt utter disgust upon waking; disgust at my life; disgust at myself; disgust for being alive. It felt like I had been swallowed up by an indescribably thick, dark cloud from which I didn’t know when, if ever, I would be able to emerge.

The peaks and troughs of my life carried on sweeping me along… A never-ending existence of just trying not to drown, just hanging on, trying to survive the storms… The peaks seemed to get shorter and shorter, while the corresponding troughs got deeper and deeper, lasting ever increasingly longer… I truly felt I had reached the end of my endurance…

Desperate for a Solution

Eventually, I found myself avoiding pleasant circumstances altogether, for fear of the crash that may follow… The possibility of the subsequent depression was simply too hard for me to bear. Just remaining in a steady emotional state, albeit where I might not have been totally happy, felt like a better option than risking the distress of finding myself yet again tumbling down uncontrollably into an emotional abyss.

I couldn’t work any longer; I tried taking temporary jobs, part-time jobs, but I couldn’t cope… I turned down opportunities, I walked away from fantastic offers that I regret to this day… I just couldn’t cope with life. So, I found myself living on benefits, day after day, just desperately trying to believe that ‘something’ would happen one day, and then I’d be able to transform my life, and live again.

I started avoiding contact with all my friends; my college peers went from strength to strength, their careers progressing, their personal lives blossoming… And all the while my life stood still – or rather tossed hopelessly on the never-ending waves that never seemed to stop ravaging my mind. I went from remaining stubbornly hopeful to despairingly unhappy and back again, on and on, and on and on… And so the years passed by…

A Little Ray of Hope

Then, one day, during a visit to the doctor’s, my GP told me that I was “…one of the most depressed people she had ever come across in her life…” and that I should be in hospital! She persuaded me to start taking anti-depressants for my mental health condition. But I didn’t want to take any ‘pills’; in fact, I was terribly afraid to take them. ‘Pills’ had caused me to have a breakdown; but she assured me they would genuinely help me… I decided to take her advice – I certainly couldn’t go on the way I had been any longer.

So, I started taking the medication, and little by little, I started to feel better and less hopeless… It took the ‘edge off’ for me. No doubt, it wasn’t a ‘cure’ for my depression, but it did help me; the peaks and troughs of my emotional state of being, that had ruled my life for so long became less turbulent. I was able to start thinking more clearly and start trying to find ways to support myself financially, and I started exploring ways to work from home.

Things Start Getting Better

Now, most of the time, I can sense that my emotional state is about to approach the descending part of the cycle; it does create more anxiety, and makes me more nervous; but I can usually slow down the descending phase, rather than crashing down uncontrollably like I used to, simply by avoiding situations that create anxiety or stress for me in whatever way I can.

And even though I might still be unable to prevent slipping down into the troughs, it’s not nearly as unbearable as it used to be for me, and waiting to emerge back up, is also not as difficult as it had been before. Moreover, I find now, during such times, I am usually still able to remain relatively positive, and stay focused on positive things while I’m waiting it out.

Managing the Waves

The most useful thing that I have learned recently about coping with my depression is how to manage it, and thereby to avoid, as best as I possibly can, thinking of things that upset me – particularly first thing after waking. I don’t always achieve it, but I certainly do make an effort… It means trying to ensure I remain aware of what I’m thinking about.

If it’s something that is upsetting for me, or simply negative, I try to make myself stop thinking about it; I do this by consciously focusing on something else that I find uplifting, or repeating a short positive phrase like “Everything is good.” I concentrate hard on the words and imagine the feeling of everything being good.

Spending time outdoors in good weather is also something I find very uplifting, taking a walk in a natural setting, like a park or local wood… As with most people, I should think, being with Nature is always a healing experience. So, just walking through my local park, sitting amongst the trees, and enjoying birdsong is a charming, and uplifting experience…

Staying Positive

Other than that, I listen to calming music, it helps me relax. I like Classical music, so I often just have it on in the background, especially during the winter months in the evenings. Sometimes I light a scented candle, it all helps to create a pleasant, calming atmosphere. And of course – I have my dogs. They create no end of entertainment for me and always help to keep my spirits up during the most challenging times… I don’t know what I would do without them. Bless their little hearts!

So, that’s about it for now. Please keep well, and look after yourselves. If you feel you need help – please talk to your doctor or other medical professional. There is lots of help available now; no one needs to suffer in silence about depression any longer – the medication and therapies available do work… And the days when suffering from depression was stigmatised are long gone… So, if you need help – please allow yourself to take it.

All my love and good wishes to you. ‘Till next time,

Dana xx

Some Useful Links

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-disorders

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/clinical-depression/symptoms/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/persistent-depressive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20350929

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/children-depressed-signs/