Yearning for Some Rest - Living With Sleep Disorders

A Good Night’s Sleep? What’s a Good Night’s Sleep?

The anecdote “No one ever died from a lack of sleep” was frequently quoted to me while I was growing up… However, it certainly didn’t help me get through the day, often practically on the brink of collapse. Almost as far back as I can remember, I was exhausted from a lack of sleep… My Mum would have to drag me up to get me ready for school, while all I wanted to do was to sleep.

Sleep disorders can be life shattering. And no one can function normally without sleep. Not being able to sleep affects our personalities, our ability to focus, think and process information, our strength, energy and mobility, our digestion, our blood pressure and heartrate… It affects everything. Sleep is an essential part of life and without good, restful sleep, the body cannot even carry out essential processes like repair and regeneration of cells. Without sleep, growth and healing is impossible.

The Various Causes of Sleep Disorders

Anxiety, stress, worry, depression and / or numerous health conditions can all have an affect on our ability to sleep. And there are any number of potential solutions – remedies, advice and therapies – available to try and help people cope.

With our modern helter-skelter lifestyles, many people suffer from periodic episodes of sleeplessness, and in a lot of cases, these episodes can be resolved relatively quickly and easily with a slight modification of routine, or a little extra activity / exercise, or stress relieving curatives like herbal teas, essential oils, and so on.

However, precisely what makes some people with similar conditions and / or under similar circumstances develop sleep disorders, while others do not, is a topic of as much research today as it ever was. The fact is – the various reasons that may result in sleep disorders are very complex, and not always fully understood; therefore, a treatment for a given sleep disorder is not always possible.

Having to Cope with a Sleep Disorder

Sadly, for so many sufferers, sleep disorders are a day in day out, debilitating ordeal, from which there seems little respite available. Trying to cope with daily commitments like going to work, carrying out essential tasks and routines very soon start to feel like torture. The resulting exhaustion and fatigue takes such a toll on the body, that an unresolved, on-going sleep disorder can result in long term permanent physiological and psychological damage.

Perhaps one of the worst parts of suffering from a sleep disorder is the social side of it; non-sufferers often don’t understand how terrible it can be. They are frequently unable to comprehend how excruciatingly hard and debilitating it is not to be able to sleep.

Furthermore, sometimes, because of the affect sleep disorders have on a person’s ability to function, long-term sufferers often get seen as lethargic, inattentive, forgetful and / or unmotivated. The tragedy of course is that long-term sleep disorders, resulting in long-term sleep deprivation, can have such devastating effects, that sufferers are often rendered lethargic, inattentive, forgetful and / or unmotivated – simply from a lack of sleep.

A Day-to-Day Waking Nightmare

“How are you? Wait… Don’t tell me – you’re wrecked.” That was a greeting I received once from one of my friends at college. My sleep deprived state had made me so predictable, it was embarrassing. But being exhausted was a way of life for me – I just had to deal with it.

I’m not quite sure exactly when or why I developed a sleep disorder, but it was certainly during my very early childhood. It might have been due to a severe early childhood illness – a brain tumour which nearly killed me – or some other factor, my childhood was unsettled, we moved a lot due to my Father being an army doctor. But certainly by the time I was of school age – being tired from the lack of sleep was starting to become a familiar thing for me.

By the time I reached adulthood, it affected every aspect of my life. I was permanently exhausted, sometimes to the point that I dared not sit down, for fear that if I did, I would not be able to keep my eyes open. I suffered from a permanent throbbing head ache, my eyes felt as if they would explode… My heart pounded, my ears buzzed. Sometimes I felt I’d fall over from the dizziness. My digestive system barely worked – I suffered from permanent digestive problems. My immune system was so stressed – if I caught a bug, it would always have a severe affect on me, and it would go on for months and months unless I took antibiotics.

Those Terrifying Nights

I was about 12 I think when I developed a condition called sleep paralysis. It isn’t uncommon, and it isn’t dangerous. But, all the same, it was extremely frightening: first the deafeningly loud vibrations would start, followed by waves of what felt like intense tremors, and then the episodes themselves – It felt as if I were trapped within my own body and unable to get out – I would wake up inside my head. At that time I had no idea what it was that was happening to me, I would try and scream but my body would not respond – all I could do was breathe as laboriously as possible to try and wake myself up.

I referred to them as my ‘fits’, and by the time I reached the age of 15, they happened almost every night, accompanied by ever more ghastly and terrifying sensations. I became so frightened of them that the nights when they started, I’d get up and walk up and down the room all night drinking black coffee so as not to fall asleep.

When dawn came and I saw the first rays of sunlight, I’d collapse into a heap and pass out; my ‘fits’ didn’t seem to happen during the day… Not at the start anyway. Within a year or so however, by the time I was 16, it didn’t seem to matter what time of day or night it was – they happened anyway. Going to sleep was a terrifying experience; a real nightmare in fact – how I dreaded those ‘fits’.

Half Awake at Night and Half Asleep by Day

I was unable to think clearly, or sometimes to think at all, getting by mechanically, like the expression: ‘on autopilot’. I got through my days half asleep, desperately trying to stay awake, and at night I would lie awake – desperately trying to sleep… But when sleep did come – I never knew if it would be accompanied by the ‘fits’.

Thankfully, by the time I reached my twenties, they finally started to become less frequent…

So, at last, it seemed I might get some sleep… Sadly it was not to be: I developed another sleep disorder called hypnic jerks instead; they aren’t dangerous either – still, just as I felt I was falling asleep, I’d wake up with a shock, like as if someone had thumped me, or I’d wake up feeling like I was about to roll off the bed. Sometimes they would happen all night long, until I’d get a splitting headache and could no longer sleep because of it…. In the morning I’d get up and go to college.

I bumbled along one day to the next, living in a near permanent state of comatose exhaustion. To try and help myself stay awake and alert enough to cope with my studies, I started smoking. I’m not sure how much it actually helped in the long run, like all addictive substances, their affect becomes less and less relatively quickly; nevertheless, at the time, it seemed smoking was the only thing that kept me going.

The Vicious Circle of Exhaustion and Sleeplessness

Soon thereafter, by the time I reached my mid-twenties I developed – sleep apnoea, another type of sleep disorder. As I would start to fall asleep, I’d suddenly find I’d stopped breathing and wake up gasping for air; the smoking of course didn’t help since it bunged up my sinuses. Some nights it would go on all night. One of my friends once said to me when I told her about it: “You won’t die from it – you’ll wake up.” That of course was the problem – I kept waking up, when what I wanted so desperately was to sleep!

I started sleeping on a mattress on the floor to try and improve my sleep posture – I was willing to try anything that might help me. But nothing seemed to make a difference. I was simply too exhausted to sleep! The sleep disorders had caused my exhaustion, and now the exhaustion was causing my sleep disorders. It was a never ending cycle from which I just couldn’t find a way out. I had come a full circle to find myself in a vicious circle… Sometimes all I could do was to sit and cry.

In my desperation to sleep I started drinking – by my second year at college I was going through a third of a bottle of whiskey at night just to be able to relax enough even to try and sleep. I had tried sleep remedies but they were utterly useless for me. Some non-herbal OTC (over the counter) medicines did work, but they had to be taken very carefully, at certain times or the side effects added to the symptoms I suffered from already. The days I didn’t quite manage to take the medication exactly when I was supposed to I would get episodes of exploding head syndrome, also not dangerous in any way – however, just as I’d fall asleep, I’d hear a thunderously loud noise in my head that would wake me up with such a shock it would make my heart palpitate. As a result of course, I wouldn’t get any sleep all the same, just extreme grogginess and headaches the following day.

Coping Somehow, Anyhow, Any Which Way Possible

I made up for my exhaustion by sleeping late at the weekends. I’d sleep all day; it was a horrible drugged kind of sleep, and I would get up feeling as exhausted as when I had gone to bed. My friends from college often invited me out for various activities – things that I really wanted to do – gliding, boating, rock climbing… As much as I wanted to participate in these fantastic outings – My brain needed sleep. Even on the occasions I accepted, I seldom managed to get myself up in time to go, no matter how hard I tried – I was just too exhausted.

My sleep disorders had made me unreliable, undependable and unsociable. They had also turned me into a joke amongst those who didn’t understand what it’s like not ever to get enough sleep. I lived in shame trying to hide my sleep problems any way I could. I was called lazy because I was tired; I was mocked and ridiculed because I couldn’t get up; I was told I needed “…a good kick…” And perhaps what hurt the most at times was when those who knew me well started calling me names like “alcy” (alcoholic) behind my back and at times treating me with disgust because I drank to try and sleep.

Resigning to the Situation Without Giving Up

My various sleep disorders still bother me from time to time. Though I don’t smoke anymore, and nonger drink every day, and certainly not heavily. I do seem to toss and turn because a lifetime of not sleeping properly has left me with no natural sleep cycle… Nevertheless, I still believe in a solution. The main thing is not to despair.

Sleep disorders are not considered life threatening – but if you suffer from one, or you have a loved one who does – please consider getting help; consider discussing the matter with your doctor… There is help available, sometimes we just have to push for it, and find what works for us. Tomorrow is always a new day… And tomorrow night may just be that good night of restful sleep.

So, ’till next time – look after yourselves… And hope you sleep well!

Dana xx