The Emotional Pain of Childhood Betrayal... (Part 2)

(NB: I have not used real names in this post; I felt it was not necessary, as long as the narrative remained clear and accurate.)

Staying Focused in a Bad Situation

Struggling to cope with life, following our Mother’s death, my sister and I were sent to live with our Dad’s youngest sister, Auntie Millie. Our Mother’s death had impacted us so deeply that it had badly affected our studies; so one of the main reasons of going to Auntie Millie’s was to get more support in our education.

The years had passed painfully slowly, but finally the exams were over. I had worked very, very hard, knowing that the sooner I got through with my studies, the sooner I could go home – and take my sister back with me.

But she had not been studying… In her rebelliousness she had spent more time making trouble for our Auntie and gossiping with household staff, than studying for her exams – she failed them all. Our Dad was devastated. So, out of desperation, he told her that she would have to remain at Auntie Millie’s place until she passed her school exams.

All this time had been living in a half-built outhouse at the back of Auntie Millie’s house. My sister had simply refused to move back into the main house after the terrible night when she was assaulted. Out of loyalty, I had felt compelled to stay with her. Initially we had lived there with another of our relatives Auntie Adelle. But Auntie Adelle had left some time back…

My sister and I had lived in that outhouse alone for a few years by this stage. It was an unsafe place to be. The rear boundary wall of Auntie Millie’s house was just metres away. There had been several terrible burglaries in the area over the preceding few years.

On one occasion we actually saw a man jump the wall, and then we saw him fly back over it again, with our dog Butch (a Doberman cross) hot in his pursuit! Butch had paraded the periphery of our room every night after that.

But some of the burglaries in the area had been very nasty with armed robbers who had beaten, raped and even murdered household occupants. A lone dog, albeit a devoted Doberman cross, was no match for these gangs – they were brutal and ruthless.

A Very Difficult Decision

But It it was time for me to leave, I had to go to college to continue my studies… And I had to go without my sister. I was intensely worried about leaving there there alone. At least with both of us together, we could look out for each other.

Now my sister would be all alone in an outhouse with virtually no security. Even the security grills on the windows were not bolted in properly! I knew she wouldn’t move back into the main house, and she didn’t want to live with our paternal grandmother again after what had happened to her as a baby…

In fact, because of the negative experiences my sister had had as a small child, while living at our paternal grandmother’s, many years prior to this point, our Mother had told us if anything were ever to happen to her, we should go to our maternal grandmother. She had assured us that maternal grandmothers have “unconditional love” for their grandchildren, and are as loving and genuine as “mums themselves” are… Of course, at the time we had no reason to doubt her.

So I persuaded my sister that after I leave she should go live with our maternal grandmother. It was not ideal, my sister had stayed with the maternal side of our family before, but being headstrong and argumentative, she’d had had numerous run-ins with various relatives. Still, at least I thought she would be safe.

The Final Straw

The following day we went to visit our maternal grandmother… In my mind was all that our Mother had told us about maternal grandmothers and their unconditional love. But contrary to everything she had said – our maternal grandmother seemed to feel nothing very much for us at all… And looking back on it now, I remember that in all the time we knew her – she never once gave us a hug.

When I asked her if my sister could stay with her, she flatly refused… “I can’t keep her,” she said. almost as if she were sniggering. “I don’t have any space.” Given that the property our grandmother lived in, had actually been paid for by our Dad, I was taken aback by her response.

I pleaded with her, explaining all the circumstances which had made me come to her in the first place, but she was indifferent to all my pleas. I practically begged her but she remained unmoved, totally unswayed, no matter what I said… “What would I do if she ran off with some boy,” she continued, “or got herself pregnant? I’m just an old woman, I can’t control her.”

In all my life no one had ever said something like that to either of us before. We had been taught about self-respect and responsible behaviour. My sister didn’t require being ‘controlled’. And ‘running off’ with “…some boy…” was not the sort of thing that would have even crossed her mind? It never had, never did, and never would have!

Our Mother had brought us up in an ‘old fashioned’ environment. And until that terrible attack on my sister at Auntie Millie’s house, she had never experienced any form of intimacy with anyone! Those were the sort of ‘traditional’ values our Mother believed in and had insisted we honour.

So I was horrified by our grandmother’s comment. The lack of empathy and concern she showed for her own granddaughter – the child of her own dead daughter, whom she had often claimed to love more than anything else in the world – left me stunned!

Who Needs Enemies?

Appalled and disgusted, I grabbed my sister’s hand, and stormed out of there, too angry to speak. She’d been in another room at the time, and hadn’t heard what our grandmother had said. Thus, we returned to our little outhouse in the grounds of Auntie Millie’s house, with my mind still reeling from our grandmother’s words.

A month later I returned home, leaving my sister alone again. I had made her promise that she would go back and live in the main house, now that Auntie Millie’s visitor had long gone. She had agreed, but shortly thereafter, Auntie Millie’s youngest son returned home from college. With there not being enough bedrooms in the house, my sister had to move out. But this time went to live with one of our Mother’s sisters, Auntie Imogen.

Aunty Imogen was lovely. One day during the time my sister was staying there, our maternal grandmother asked her to come over to her house, to help her with some seasonal chores, telling her she could stay over. My sister agreed. But that evening, when she should have left, she got talking with some cousins and it got very late.

Auntie Imogen urged her to stay ’till the morning. But my sister had promised our grandmother that she’d come over that evening, so she could start on the chores first thing the following morning, and didn’t want to upset her. She phoned her and told her not to wait up for her, and that she’d let herself in.

And thus she left Auntie’s Imogen’s place to make her way to our grandmother’s house. It was in a remote part of town, that became rather deserted at night time, but she figured it wouldn’t take her too long to get there.

However, it took much longer than she had expected, and when she got there it was past midnight… She found the front gate had been bolted from the inside!

She went round to the back, but the back gate was also bolted. She called out to try and get our grandmother’s attention. But she didn’t respond. She went back again to the front and called out some more… But again, there was no response; not even a light turned on despite all her efforts.

This was before the widespread use of mobile phones, and there were no pay phones around. She waited and waited, trying again and again to wake our grandmother up, until her hands became sore thumping on the gates. And still no one stirred from within.

The area had poor street lighting, and became quite rough at night; muggings and assaults were not uncommon, there had even been a few stabbings there… It had never occurred to my sister that our grandmother would lock her out!

Out in the Cold

It was too late for her to go back to Auntie Imogen’s place, so she walked over to one of our Uncle’s, Uncle Alfie, our Mother’s brothers, who lived nearby. She thumped on his gate as well, but there too everyone was asleep, and no one came out.

So she returned to our grandmother’s, and tried again in vain to wake her up. Eventually, she sat down on the ground outside the front gate, exhausted, cold, bewildered and very frightened.

At first, it didn’t seem too bad, there were plenty of people returning home from late shifts, and my sister didn’t feel too unsafe. But as the hours passed, the night became more and quiet. The temperature too started to drop. My sister’s clothes weren’t warm enough for an all-nighter outdoors; she tried to huddle up but soon found herself shivering with cold.

Sitting outside the front gate of a house in the freezing cold, in the middle of the night, was not something that anyone should have to do, especially not a young girl, in an area where crime is not uncommon after hours. And as the night progressed, the criminal element started to emerge…

My sister could hear groups of men, shouting and ranting in near-by streets. She knew if something were to happen to her, no matter how much she screamed – no one would come to her help.

she’d made so much noise trying to wake someone up, and no one had stirred, not within our grandmother’s place, nor anywhere else in the neighbouring houses. She was terrified, but there was nothing she could do.

Very soon thereafter, my sister saw a group of men walking along the street, shouting and screaming at each other. And then they saw my sister. They stopped, and slowly started to walk towards her.

A lone young girl sitting outside was a perfect target for them. She knew they meant her harm from their demeanour and gait. Her heart raced, as she felt utter terror.

She was totally defenceless…

Guardian Angels

Then an amazing thing happened – seemingly out of nowhere, a pack of dogs appeared. It was a pretty large pack too, with 6 or 7 members; they walked towards her, and for some reason, sat down just 10 feet or so away.

There were a lot of stray dogs in the area, and sometimes they formed packs that roamed the streets at night looking for food. People were not particularly kind to these animals, and they in turn could be very vicious, it was generally considered a good idea to stay clear of them.

We however had always had dogs in our family, but my sister was nervous, as she knew these dogs were completely feral. But, they just sat there and did nothing. Since she was more afraid of the menacing gang of men, than the pack of dogs, she started talking to them out of sheer nervousness…

The dogs still did nothing. She talked to them as if they were her friends, and told them how scared she’s been, and how glad she was they’d come along; now she wasn’t alone anymore… The dogs sat there listening.

My sister was definitely not alone – it seemed the dogs were looking out for her… With every step or so that the gang approached, the dogs got up and moved in closer, getting ever tighter around my sister, until they were almost right in front of her; they sat down around her in a tight half-circle completely surrounding her.

The gang of men stopped, as if waiting to see what was going to happen. The dogs sat quietly, maintaining their positions in the half-circle they had formed around her… Both dogs and humans remained where they were. For my sister, the night itself seemed to stand still.

A Night to Remember

It felt like an absolute age to her, and she could do nothing but sit there, wishing the night would end soon. Time just seemed to have stopped. My sister could feel her heart pounding. She could hear the sound of her breath the night was so quiet…

And still nothing happened. She sat there, the dogs sat there… And eventually, the men strolled off leaving my sister and her canine guardians alone.

Nothing further happened the rest of the night, but the dogs stayed there with my sister until dawn when night workers started returning home. A nephew of Uncle Alfie’s, who lived with him, and also worked nights, was on his way home from work.

His route home used to take him past our grandmother’s house, and saw my sister sitting there, on his way home from his shift, He called out to her… “What are you doing sitting there?!”

As soon as my sister saw him she knew she was safe at last…

At this point, the dogs all got up and walked away. Who knows why they appeared; why they sat there; and more importantly, who knows what might have happened that night if they hadn’t…

Perhaps my sister is alive and well today because of that pack of feral dogs. And I for one, bless those dogs with all my heart for what they did that night.

Moving On

No one ever apologised to my sister for locking her out, for putting her in danger, for forcing to spend a cold night shivering outside the main gate… It was actually all laughed off.

Sometimes the people whom we trust let us down the most, and their actions hurt the most too. It’s the betrayal of trust that hurts and can leave traumatising long-term affects on our emotions and psyche.

If you, or anyone close to you, have gone through betrayal at an early age, and you need some support for the negative emotions that you may still experience as a result of that betrayal – please seek help.

Unresolved pain and hurt can lead to many further issues, both emotional and physical. Even if we don’t realise it, emotional pain can be very damaging to our long-term health and well-being.