Anorexia, an Eating Disorder (Part 1)

Eating Disorders:

There are a number of eating disorders, the most commonly known being anorexia and bulimia; there are others like binge eating, along with some that have underlying physical causes, but the first two are perhaps the most devastating. Anyone who has ever had experience of either, either personally, or because of a loved one, will know how terrible and destructive they can be. The problems that can result from them can be crushing, and leave deep emotional scars. Furthermore, in many instances, they can lead to permanent physical and / or emotional, psychological damage.

Furthermore, to date no one really understands why such conditions set in. One common thread however seems to be that they usually occur in young people; adolescents or teenagers, being the most likely to develop such issues. They can however, also occur in people in their twenties; one very famous example of course being Diana, the Princess of Wales who developed an eating disorder in her early twenties.

The Illness that Demands Obedience:

The brutal and overwhelming misery an eating disorder can cause, can affect not just the sufferer, but eventually the whole family too. It can turn into a destructive force, like an internal, self-serving monster exerting ever greater control over the sufferer’s mind, until it starts to dominate almost every aspect of the individual’s life.

Little by little, the self-imposed targets and expectations the sufferer sets, become so unrealistic and impossible to achieve, that failure becomes almost inevitable. This can lead to severe depression, with sufferers experiencing various self-deprecating emotions like guilt, shame, hopelessness, despair, self-loathing, disgust, to name just a few… The loss of control that results can be utterly disastrous, sometimes leading to self-harm, and even suicidal tendencies – and tragically people have actually killed themselves as a result.

The Causes of an Eating Disorder:

Social pressures, in particular from the media, are thought to be one of the main factors that lead to such conditions. However, historic cases of various forms of eating disorders, dating back hundreds of years, long before the days of modern media, are now known to have existed. And research is also showing that there seem to be many varied reasons for such condition. And some of the contributory factors include genetics, neurobiology, emotional problems, environmental conditioning and personal circumstances. Still much research continues to try and find more answers…

All the while, it is still not fully understood why eating disorders develop in some people, and not in others. A great deal of work has been done with sufferers to try and understand the underlying reasons behind these terrible conditions and much more work is yet needed. In so many instances, despite everything, sufferers are never fully cured. And in some tragic cases in fact – famous ones included – the conditions can become life threateningly dangerous, if not fatal.

Childhood Bereavement and Feelings of Isolation:

This article is about how I became anorexic… I hope that the events described here offer sufferers and their loved ones some comfort knowing they are not alone…

I was about 5 or 6 years of age when my Mother developed cancer. Our Dad was a very over-worked General Practitioner, who didn’t always have a great deal of time to spend with my sister and me. During the last few years of my Mother’s life, I remember starting to develop various disorders, not sleeping properly, loneliness, feelings of melancholy, and even self-harming. I was an introverted child and found it hard to express my feelings, so as my Mother’s illness progressed, perhaps turning my frustrations upon myself was inevitable.

Weather it was because I had a genetic predisposition to being over-weight, or having to live on take-aways and junk food during the last few years of my Mother’s life, or childhood inactivity, there may have been many contributory factors; the result was, though I had been relatively slim as a child, as I reached puberty, I suddenly started putting on weight.

Unfortunate Circumstances and Isolation:

I was 13 years old when my anorexia first started; my mother had died a couple of years earlier, and over that period of time I had lived pretty much entirely on junk food and takeaways, or just plain bread that I could help myself to from the fridge… I was desperately unhappy and felt I had no one to turn to. Adolescence is supposedly not an easy time for anyone, and mine was definitely very difficult and traumatic. It was a time of personal neglect, deep sorrow, bewilderment and haplessness.

After my Mum’s death my world had fallen apart around me. I relied on her completely for emotional support and guidance in every aspect of my life. And losing her was something that perhaps affected me in far more ways than I was even aware of.

I was in all honesty a big baby – I didn’t know how to do anything for myself. Trying to cope with all the turmoil of growing up, along with the pain of losing my Mum made it a terrible time. I had no idea how to deal with the personal day to day problems I faced not having anyone to look after me – not having anyone to wash my clothes, or cook my meals, or just give me advice. One of our Aunts had come over to help our Dad, but not really my sister and me, we were pretty much on our own. And we didn’t mention anything to our Dad, he was so distraught, we didn’t want to trouble him…

Haplessness and Low Self Esteem:

Furthermore, I had always been a very shy, introverted and self-conscious child, so when I suddenly started putting on weight as an adolescent, it really affected my self-image and confidence. Without my Mother’s support I couldn’t cope with it.

As a baby I had developed a brain tumour and had been a lonely child; I never really learned how to play and mix with other children because of it. And the isolation that I had always felt, became worse following my Mother’s death and as a result I became more and more withdrawn. My Dad tried very hard to be there for me, but he was a single handed GP with very little time, and I had always been Mummy’s little girl… My grief over her loss made me even more introverted than I had been before, and emotionally I shut him out. It broke his heart, and later his sorrow broke mine… But that’s another story.

The Events that Triggered a Life Long Condition:

I wanted to feel good about myself; I was tired of feeling revulsion at the way I looked. And I guess I wanted to feel connected with my peers, to feel I ‘belonged’, to end the feelings of isolation – perhaps to fill the emptiness I felt, and the loneliness from my Mother’s death.

All the while though, it seemed I kept putting on weight. I felt really ugly. As I grew out of my clothes, no one was there to buy me new ones; my sister’s hand-me-downs no longer fitted me – I was fat and she was like a waif with a tiny 18 inch waist and a slender physique; so I started wearing my Mum’s old clothes… And then people started making comments about my weight – My peers asked me how I much I weighed; the ladies in the school uniform fitting office raised their eyebrows when they measured me and muttered under their breath; acquaintances wanted to know what size clothes I wore; or it was just the passing comment about how ‘big’ I was… The unhappiness I felt became too much to bear…

I was going to lose weight no matter what!

Desperation, Despair and Adolescent Stubbornness:

Sadly, I was simply not old enough to know what was good for me – I had nominal knowledge of what a healthy diet should consist of for a growing child. All I could think of was that all the young women I saw on TV were slim, my sister was slim, all my female cousins were slim, all the girls I knew at school were slim… The only fat girls I knew were me, and a friend of ours who had a medical problem that made her overweight. I desperately wanted to like all the other slim and beautiful girls too…

I asked my Dad to help me lose weight; since he was a doctor, I figured he was the perfect person to help me. But he was a typical Father – I was healthy, and that was sufficient for him. Given that I had nearly died as a small child, he was just happy knowing I was well. And of course, he was also a medic – he told me I was a child, and children should not go on diets unless it was for medical reasons…

So, I decided I would do it myself. And thus it began…

It was certainly reasonable enough to start with; there was plenty of information available on calorie controlled diets. So I got myself some reading material and embarked upon creating the new me. I cut down on carbohydrates, and set my daily targets… 1000 k-calories a day, no snacking, if feelings of hunger got too much – an apple, or other fruit, and in between just cups of tea… All I had to do was be consistent, be patient, and just keep at it…

(Continued in Part 2)