The Guilt Trip – Why So Many People Are On It
Living with a debilitating emotion like guilt can feel like an unbearable burden. But we can overcome it…
It’s called a ‘guilt trip’; but perhaps we aught to call it a ‘guilt circle’ instead, since it never gets anyone anywhere. The fact is, it’s really not a joking matter… A deep rooted sense of guilt can be like a never ending nightmare.
Sadly however, guilt is something that so many of us are affected by at some point in our lives. And though it’s a perfectly normal and essential part of our psychology, an evolutionary facility that allows us to maintain and keep our behaviour in check, if it turns into an emotional issue, it can be soul destroying and lead to a myriad of other crippling emotional issues.
Sometimes it starts so early on that we don’t even know we have guilt issues… And deep rooted guilt can have an effect on every aspect of our lives, form personal, social and physical to professional, to name but a few.
The Starting Point
Deeply emotional events or circumstances can leave long lasting scars in our psyche, especially if they occur at an early age…
It is accepted that children interpret things very differently from adults; for all intents and purposes, the ‘world’, at least their world revolves around them.
As children, from the time we are born, someone ‘bigger and stronger’ – a parent or other caregiver – attends to our every need, someone feeds us, someone dresses us, someone does everything for us. As we grow older, we begin to perceive ourselves as the most important part of our parents’ / caregivers’ lives. Very often our parents / caregivers tell us we are!
In an ideal world of course – it’s all done with love and joyfulness…
When Things Start Going Wrong
But we don’t live in an ideal world… And when things start going wrong, young children, because of how they perceive their world, take it upon themselves that the circumstances around them are happening because of them.
If they see their parents upset they tend to believe it’s because they have done something to make the parents feel that way… After all, they are the most important part of their parents’ lives… So it must be their fault!
Becoming a Way of Life
Advances in neuroscience show that our brain keeps developing well into our twenties. As a result, the reasoning and analytic faculty of a child’s brain (a property of the front part of the brain) is very under-developed. So young children tend to accept whatever they experience as fact, and what they feel and imagine then becomes imprinted upon their subconscious (associated with the rear part of the brain).
At the same time, children are extremely perceptive, so if they sense something is not quite right, and if they don’t get an explanation about it, or reassurance from their parents that it isn’t anything they’ve done, they can take that burden upon themselves. As they grow, this can then affect how their personalities develop.
And growing up with a sense of guilt can be utterly devastating…
Too Young to Handle Things
According to child psychologists, there are many different circumstances in life which can result in children developing a sense of guilt; childhood bereavement, growing up in a broken home, a dysfunctional family life, childhood abuse, unrealistic, harsh or overly exacting expectations by parents or guardians, having to look after a sick parent or relative and so on, each of us has unique experiences…
As time goes on, growing up with deep rooted feelings of guilt, we can also develop a sense of and shame (an emotion closely linked to guilt). We often aren’t even aware of how such feelings set in, but tragically, so very often they do.
This can subsequently lead to low self-esteem and low self-worth, often leading to a lack of self-respect. These can then lead to all manner of terrible issues like eating disorders, sleeping disorders, substance abuse, self-harm, anxiety and stress to mention just a few.
Such conditions can have long lasting and devastating affect on our emotional, psychological and physical health.
A Disaster in the Making
This is an account of how the events in my life transpired… I think I was in my early pre-teens when my emotional issues first started.
My Mother had died recently following a long, terrible battle against cancer (she had taken every therapy offered to her to try and live as long as she could for us as my sister and I were very young at the time she was first diagnosed with it). I felt a deep sense of guilt for not having done things the way I thought I should have while she was still alive. Being a child at the time, my perceptions were completely out of context and I blamed myself for a lot of things that I shouldn’t have.
Blame, Shame and Paranoia
I remember feeling I had let my Mother down and hurt her badly. I felt I must have been a terrible person for having behaved so irresponsibly and in such an uncaring manner… Relatives also told my sister and me as much…
They also told us that we were now a burden on our Dad since he hadn’t really wanted us in the first place, it was our Mother who had wanted us; so now that she was gone, we should no longer demand anything from our Dad. We were constantly told we must not impose on our Dad in any way as he was going through such a difficult time having lost his wife.
Such comments, along with my own insecurities, made me feel terrible, and in time I started believing being around in itself was somehow an imposition; I constantly felt guilty for being there… Eventually it got to the point where I wished I could somehow just cease to exist. (My sister is a older by a few years, so she was able to cope a little better than I did… But her story is for another time…)
The Constant Judgement
As similar interactions with relatives continued in the wake of our Mother’s passing, I became overwhelmed by my sense of guilt and shame and unworthiness.
I believed everyone around me was judging me… And as these feelings took an ever deeper hold on me, I felt no matter what I did it was wrong. Any slightest admonishment from anyone reinforced my low opinion of myself. My sense of self-esteem got lower and lower, until I began to feel I was no longer worthy of anyone’s company.
I started avoiding everyone – any way I possibly could…
Isolation, Unworthiness and Self-Punishment
I stayed up late at night, trying to recreate the world I had known… A sanctuary of solitude… A safe place where only sweet memories existed. Due to the subsequent fatigue though, I slept in later and later during the day… And I was far too depressed to get out of bed anyway. Eventually, I was staying up all night and sleeping all day.
I started to believe I was no longer good enough to impose on anyone anymore, or to ask for help for anything – least of all from our Dad – whether it was for food, or clothes, or anything else.
I did whatever I could for myself, and what I couldn’t do I just ignored. No one ever asked if I needed anything so I assumed no one cared. I tried to wash my own clothes, if they didn’t dry by the morning, I wore them wet and went to school. (During the winter months that was usually the case.) What I couldn’t wash, I just kept wearing over and over.
On my return in the afternoons, I didn’t think I had the right to ask if there was anything for me to eat; there usually wasn’t. I felt my needs were far too insignificant for other people to bother about anyway. So I just went to the fridge and ate whatever I could find – usually just bread.
Self-Deprecation and Eating Disorders
I felt alone and completely unworthy. I had already developed a sleep disorder. Soon I would develop an eating disorder too…
Not sleeping properly, avoiding all socialising, just hiding away in my room, I put on a lot of weight; living on just bread most of the time made it worse. I had already put on weight over the last few years of our Mother’s life as she was too ill to do much housework. We had lived mostly on take-aways. Our Dad tried to cook, but wasn’t always able to as he usually came home late from work. After school, I had usually ended up eating junk food.
I despised myself… Looking into the mirror convinced me even further of how loathsome a person I was – not only was I unworthy, but I was ugly too…
Soon after that I developed anorexia. Despite my Dad’s efforts to help me overcome it, my condition lasted for many years until I had a complete breakdown resulting from malnutrition, fatigue and over work. I suffered from deep depression, stress, severe anxiety, a permanent sense of guilt (neurotic guilt as it’s called) and a complete lack of confidence and self-esteem.
The Healing Process
I have struggled with these issues since then. Some of them I have managed to overcome, some I am able to keep in check, and some I still struggle with every day…
But I have come a very long way from being the mixed up child I was then. I have learned many things about childhood trauma. And over the past few years I have managed finally to overcome the neurotic guilt… It still creeps up on me from time to time, but I can usually keep it under control.
And the one most pertinent thing that I have come to realise is – in order to heal from any emotional issue, the first thing we have to do is allow ourselves the permission to move on and make the decision to do it…
The past is gone and there’s nothing we can do to change it. But, with patience, understanding and self-forgiveness, little by little we can begin the journey of healing…
Believing in Ourselves
Everyone deserves a second chance – even us! We may well have let those we loved down, or fallen short of someone’s expectations, but it doesn’t make us unworthy people… And that means we deserve our forgiveness! If we can forgive ourselves we can start to heal…
We have to start believing in our self-worth and remind ourselves whenever we can that we are worthy! The feelings of guilt can be overcome if we give ourselves a little bit of consideration, forgiveness and self-respect.
Underlying Issues
Life is so complicated that, without professional therapy, it is often near impossible to identify the initial root cause of our emotional issues. What I have written about here is based on my own experiences, personal knowledge, and what I have seen in life, of how negative emotional issues can develop.
Living with unresolved issues can be devastating. So if you feel you have emotional or psychological issues that are troubling you, and if you can – please seek help from a professional…
There is nothing wrong with needing a little help from time to time.
So ’till next time, please keep well, look after yourself and remember – no matter what might have happened in the past – we are and always will be, worthy of respect, appreciation and love…
With all good wishes,
Dana xxx
Some Useful Links
https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/complex-trauma/effects
https://psychiatristsnyc.com/blog/childhood-guilt-affect-adult-life/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2018/09/childhood-toxic-shame#1
https://jimhopper.com/topics/child-abuse/consequences-of-child-abuse/guilt/
https://themighty.com/topic/mental-health/emotional-abuse-childhood-guilt-safe-emotion